I am spending my child support on dildos
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
