I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
