I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
