I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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