That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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