it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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