Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
