if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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