You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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