I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
