since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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