All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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