He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
