tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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