paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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