i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
