just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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