Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
