Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
