I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
