i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
