Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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