; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Randomize
