Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
