Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
