So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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