I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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