My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
