i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
