How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Randomize
