Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
