Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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