Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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