I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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