and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
