If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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