she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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