I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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