she is the kim kardashian of front butts
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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