I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
