Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize