my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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