the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
