How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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