Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
