the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
