When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
