Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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