The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
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where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
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I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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