Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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