i already hear my dad disowning me
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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