I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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