when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
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and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
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I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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