I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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