Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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