The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
