I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
