How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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