i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I pour the whiskey from now on
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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