I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
