I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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