The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
