Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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